I remember my new years resolution at the beginning of the year to get down to 120 pounds atleast.

.....I dont know, it's december and the lowest that I've gotten is 141 this year.

BOO ME!!!!

I'm getting back on the wagon though this week. I think I've found my downfall. The more I exercise, the more my appetite increases. I'm really concentrating on not eating after exercising.Maybe some fruit,or something really small, but nothing more. I'm also trying not to eat at night. I've found that having my laptop out in the living room really helps heaps at night with the kitchen being right across from the couch and all.

I made a calorie log and wrote down everything that I ate today. I consumed 785 calories, and burned 350 during exercise.

oh wait, but then after the workout I did have a chicken wing AND a fruit cup. Damn!

i will work on controlling my appetite and get it right.
My first goal is to lose 10 pounds- which would put me at 137.

aaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!
I'm so tired of this

I hate the holidays. I hate people. I hate everybody. I almost forgot how much i hate people. I guess every once in a while I just need a reminder. I usually come back to my senses after trying to fucking reach out to someone and feeling like shit afterwards. The person who told me to reach out to people in the first place is a complete moron ! Every one makes me sick. No one gives two shits about me and my feelings and my needs. Fuck you too!


I hate thanksgiving and the holidays. It's the most depressing time of the year. I have no one to share it with. No friends, no family to sit around the table with. I hate it. I really do. it's just not fair. aND ON top of everything else, i'm a digusting fat ass. The scale read 147 this morning. I just want to be tiny and loved and cared for.

But fine, you dont want anything to do with me? fuck YOU TOO

stupid assholes....

I hate myself.

I think that's all that needs to be said.

signed,

THE UGLY TUB OF LARD FATASS.

MOOD: SAD, JEALOUS,HOPELESS,ASHAMED,FAT,EMBARRESSED,GUILTY,STUPID

I only burned 400 calories yesterday. I guess I will need to work my way back up to burning 600-700 calories. At one time I was able to burn 800 calories. Today I am defintely going to get closer to 500.


I weighed in this morning at 143. That's a hell of a lot better than the 147 it was saying a few days ago.

My new goal for the 18th is about 133. That's only 10 pounds. I can do this!

im hungry and i dont feel good. That makes me feel kinda happy. It means I'm finally gaining back control. I hate being a fat ass and a pig and a slob. I deserve to be hungry. I have to lose weight. Now because of the fact that i've been a pig all week I have to start over. But  I'm going to work even harder. Exercise everyday. Yesterday I only burned 200 calories. I got so weak and tired and I thought my heart would explode. But today I am going to keep going no matter what. I will burn 500 calories. I'm  going to control my self. I'm going to lose weight.

Gw: 128

Current weight: about 145

stgw: 137

Today i ate a taffy apple-300 calories
1 bite size laffy taffy   and  about 7 sweet tarts candies( the little round things)

I'm going to round it up to about 700 calories

I plan on burning atleast 500 calories exercising

I think I'm going to ch&sp some pizza later.

I really hate myself. I've completely lost control. I will never be thin.

I guess I havent posted because I've been the fattest fucking pig and I'm so ashamed of myself.

my anniversarry is in like 2 1/2 weeks and I'm not even close to being at my goal weight. That makes me depressed but it is my fault.

I'm going to exercise today, and clean, and move around.  Maybe if I burn 500 calories a day, and eat 200 I will atleast be 135 by my anniversarry. So my new goal by Nov. 18th is to be around 133-135 pounds.

i have 11 pounds to lose in 14 days.

Nobody's even noticed that I lost weight anyway. that really makes me sad. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
today I've eaten two caramel apples- about 520 calories- I'll round it up to 530 calories.

So new plan- eat around 200-400 calories a day, burn about 500-700 calories a day.

If I keep it up hopefully I will atleast lose 10 pounds in the next couple weeks.

I'm going to fast for 48 hours.

I weighed 143 today. Gained 2 pounds.
I  ate two apples today.
Im debating about my birth control. Too much water weight and bloating. But it does have it's other benefits. 


I need to do some major cleaning up so I can redecorate the bedroom. I want it to be relaxing and cozy and romantic. So I am going to get severel large plastic totes, and several smaller ones, and get almost everything out of there. New curtains, new sheets, maybe some sort of lounge chair. I big plush rug. For furniture I will need maybe one or two dressers and I want a bookshelf. I also want one or two night stands. A tall floor lamp and a small table lamp.For for entertainment I want a new tv. A medium size one and a new dvd player. It's going to be great. I'm excited.


I will be working like a 40 hour shift this weekend from saturday until monday morning straight, and then gong back that evening for another overnight. so I will clean and declutter next week, and buy some stuff. I want to have the room atleast clean by november 14th and have a lock put on it. And I will just slowly add and take out stuff as things go along.

This is going to be great!

13 pounds to go.

I weighed in today at 141 .

2 more pounds to go until I reach my first goal weight!!!

24 hours of fasting down and 48 more to go.

I feel fine. my tummy is rumbling a tiny bit, but other than that everythings great. I didnt get on the scale yesterday but I will get on later today.


I have 30 days to lose 17 pounds.  After this fast is over I am going to eat once and then fast for 5 days.  After that I have a 7 day fast coming up. 

Hopefully soon I will be 138. That would mean only 10 more pounds until I reach 128


My  current goal weight is 138.  6.5  pounds to go.

FUUUUCKKKK!!!!.....................

I messed up. I binged on sun chips, star burst and plenty of chocolate bars. I hate myself. I just feel so bad. I dont know what got into me. I wasnt even hungry, I guess I just wanted it because it was there. Damn

Failure Failure Failure.....

I am fasting for 72 hours.
Only tea with ACV                (still 0 calories)
And water
 

Only gum if I feel really faint and dizzy( like on the verge of passing out)
fast started at 4:00 am and will be ending monday at 4:00 am I think .

No food this weekend.
 
I'm so fat and disgusting . I have to lose 15 pounds by november 15th.

I have no idea why I would want to look like a kid. I am 21 years old. I am a woman.I dont even like saying that I'm a woman. I hate the thought of it, hate saying it . I dont want to look like a woman. I know that we are beautiful, but I dont want hips and breast. I want it gone. Maybe it has something to do with the sexual abuse throughout my life?  I just feel miserable when I think about filling out as an older woman. It will be terrible.I just want to be little and small and perky and energetic. 


I want to be happy. Do I want to feel like a kid? I want to take up as less space as possible. I want to be taken care of and nutured. I want to be in that world I am when I watch cartoons, and laugh, and know that there is always a happy ending. Or atleast a funny one. I just want to be happy. I really dont understand myself. Dont understand why I have always adored the smaller thinner people. Espcecially the short skinny ones. I used to be skinny when I was a kid. I guess I filled out during pubety. - uggghh, PUBERTY, GROWTH,DEVELOPEMNT, SEX....NOOOOo

I hated getting my first period. Hated the idea of getting my period. I was so disappointed when I did. I would be turning 11 in a couple weeks.  I was really disappointed that it came so soon. I remember thinking, oh no- not yet. It wasnt that I wasn't ready- i just didn't want to go through it. Go through those changes. It was akward, embarressing, and sometimes I am still embarressed about it today. It was never confusing, I had enough special education( or sex education) in school to know what was going on.  I didn't want it to happen to me. It wasnt scary, I just wasnt interested. But the weird thing is, I didn't mind going to those glasses and learning about what was going to happen. 
 
I dont want to be a boy or anything . Atleast I'm certain about that.

I dont know. It's confusing- i will never quite fully understand myself. But it's okay. I understand what it takes to lose weight, and losing weight makes me happy.

the scale said 145.6 this morning. That was pretty disappointing, but I'm not giving up. for breakfast I had an apple and 4 prunes.
I went to bed a little early last night, I got some decent rest maybe the first four hours until about 2:00 am, then I tossed and turned and my throat was killing me, I had to get up just to go in the other room to get throat drops. My nose was dry . I'm pretty sure I probably have a cold.

I think I am going to change my useerpic.

I am definetely keeping my green tea. It really helped me by giving me the energy I needed to get up and exercise. I only burned about 250 cals, but it's better than nothing. Today I ate an apple, about 6 prunes, and a sub sandwhich( the 7 inch one) Not sure how many calories that is, but i suppose it's not that bad. It was a turkey and cheese sub on wheat. I hate white bread. 

anyway, that's it for today. I'm not even hungry. I am pretty tired though. I've been lying around almost all day, but that's okay, I didn't go to sleep last night at all , didn't go to sleep until about 11 am this morning and took a few naps throughout the day. I think I am catching a cold or something becaus my nose is really dry and hurting. I sneezed one time earlier and then it got runny and ever since then i've been having problems.  Its not so bad, but my throats also a little sore.

I will go to bed soon. I'm tired.

Finally 145! Yes. I broke my platue. I'm so happy about that.

but at the moment I am really not feeling good :(

Green tea helps with energy, but it  makes me feel like crap.. Is it worth it? Maybe. Just not as much next time. Oh boy I feel light headed. maybe i am dehydrated?  But I am losing weight.

I cant wait to calm down from this caffiene kick.

10 pounds gone so far,hopeful I will lose another for tomorrow

so I ate a fish sandwhich today( or yesterday- 10-13-09)
And that was it. That was all I had for the day. It went pretty well. I will get on the scale later after I've fallen asleep. Hopefully it says 145. Please let it say 145. That would mean I have 6 pounds to my first goal weight. Hopefully by the end of the week I will be 142  or less.


I dont feel good :(
Really

...The good news- I can see my face getting thinner again. I can see my cheek bones showing a little more. My stupid breast are a little smaller,  my ring is slipping off my finger again. My rubberband is slidding down my arm.  I have to be in the 20's by my anniversary in 5 weeks. I have to be. Atleast 128.


I had a pretty good day. I got up and moved around some, I did take a nap for a few hours but I got back up to go to work and I've been up ever since.

I want to lose 5 pounds this week. I'm going to exercise right now.

I have not eaten anything yet today. I really don't wont to. I will bring an apple with me though just incasse I get too weak after work. I really dont want to eat anything though. Maybe I wont bring it.  Probably just a piece of hard candy or gum. maybe just gum.

I am really tired. I want to take a nap so badly but I have to get ready for work in a few hours.  I got on the scale today and it said 146, for the last couple days it's said 147, so I guess I lost a pound.  i would be excited if that was something new. Oh well.

I'm just drained today. I've been so tired these last few weeks. I dont know what to do about energy. I'm taking 4 hour energy shots,and it helps to get me out of bed in the morning but then I still struggle through the rest of the day. I drink coffee and tea but I am still just tired. I hate feeling this way. The days when I don't take the energy stuff I will stay in bed all day and just sleep through everything.

But no matter what, i cannot seem to sleep at night. I can be awake all day, and tired, and had woken up early in the morning and worked, but  still wouldn't be able to sleep that night. I dont get it. I need some sleep! when it's actually dark outside and in the pm.

this is sad.....

No one knows what I go through. SOmetimes this is just so hard. Most  days I enjoy watching shows on food network and even cooking. I don't know if it is because I am watching someone eat, or watching somone look happy while they eat. I don't really like watching shows about people with eating disorders though. I don't know why really.

It is a struggle . Weighing myself everyday, sometimes up to 7 times a day. ( a might miss a day or two every once in a while though),   It's the start of my day. I wake up and go straight to the scale. If I dropped it is a great day. If I maintained or gained I am miserable the whole day. But if i maintained after binging that's okay for me. I'm thankful I didn't gain. But I hate that I ate.

I dont want to eat around anyone. I don't want them to see me cutting up my food and measuring it and only taking small bitefuls then drinking loads of water in between. I don't want anyone to see me chewing up my food and spitting it back out. I don't know if it's because they might laugh at me or because they might know that something is wrong.

I am thankful for the days that I can sit with my husband and eat a full meal. I always feel so bad afterwards though. So guilty for eating. Because I am so fat. Because I am going to gain weight. Because I stopped myself from losing weight by eating. So I have to fast. I just have to find a way to get off all those calories. sometimes I will take a laxative, or even go exercise. I want to purge so badly but I feel even worse when I do that and I'm afraid I'm going to die. I just don't want to collapse right in front of the toilet with vomit all over my hand. But I am glad that I haven't purged in a good week or two. I never want to do it again. I'm especially afraid that if i start again I wont stop. I was so afraid that it was getting out of control . 

Sometimes i get so hungry I just want to cry. And other times I just got disgusted looking at food. Somedays it's easy not to eat, and sometimes I will struggle through a fast. Even when I lose weight- it is just not good enough. It's never good enough. I have to lose more, I have to lose it faster, I am still a fat ass.  I want to cry sometimes thinking about how fat I am, looking at myself in the mirror. Looking at my thighs. It's disgusting.


I feel like I am just doomed to be fat for the rest of my life sometimes. I just wish there was something I could do.